29

I turned 29 today. I was chatting with a friend earlier in the day and she took the words right out of my thoughts when she remarked: "Damn, you're old!"

Yes Ms T, I'm old. I feel old. It's like time just got out of my hands, and I never noticed the years fly by. There's something about approaching 30 that just shoves your age right in your face and you can no longer afford to ignore it.

I'll admit, or rather, confess, that much of my 20s has been one big blur. I don't remember any moments that I would call "special" or "memorable". Not in that life-changing, course-diverting kind of way. The 20s kind of just happened. I attended classes in college, sat for exams, passed, failed, fell in and out of love, broke hearts, had my heart broken, got a job, changed jobs, started saving, spent, overspent, never stopped being broke... you know the drill.

All these things happened in my 20s, that is, in the last 10 years or less. I admit that I have not lived a very introspective life. Yes, I am what you would describe as a melancholic. I live to contemplate and through contemplation. My idea of fun is sitting alone with a book. I think about almost everything, the universe, God, politics, psychology, religion... But I don't particularly remember sitting down to think about where my own life was headed.

"What? You are almost thirty and you have not thought about where your life is headed?" 

Well, of course I have occasionally contemplated the standard template that we all reach for when someone asks us "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I have given the politically correct answers. Answers mainly drawn from the lives of people I admired, envied, wanted to be like... But I don't particularly remember sitting down, looking at Ngare in the mirror, facing down my strengths and weaknesses and contemplating my future in light of who I was.

Even in the times I thought long and hard and deep about matters of faith, I seldom personalized them. I would always think and share in abstractions. Always the observer but seldom the liver-out of my own life. I talked more about salvation than "my" salvation, wrote more about "how to interpret the Bible" than about the role the Bible played in my own life. And over the years I realized something: It is possible to spend your life learning a lot about something and never really "know" it. 

That's a terrifying thought. Embarrassing even. But not as scary or even as embarrassing as this next one: it is possible to live and entirely miss out on your own life. Take friendship, for instance. How many times do we find ourselves putting up faces in order to fit in or present a better version of ourselves? You see, in my 20s, I have spent SO MUCH TIME caring what people thought of me. And I realized something, I wanted so much people to think I was a wise and knowledgeable person that I neglected actually BEING wise and knowledgeable.

A quote by the 19th century preacher Charles Spurgeon strikes a similar cord every time I read it: "Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are far worse." I find this truism to be disturbingly true because I relate to it. It is also quite counter-cultural, when you think about it. Normally, the people who will tell you to not worry about what people think of you often support their advise by giving the impression that you are better than others think. Perfect even. Beautiful in your own way. 

But what a bunch of hogwash! The truth is that when I am alone in my house, after the curtains are drawn and the audience is scattered, I am left facing the real me, and I know what I see. There is nothing perfect, or beautiful, or amazing there. 

There is only imperfection, mostly brokenness, sometimes insecurity, often hypocrisy. In the short time I have lived on this earth, which feels rather long now, the constant reality has been a vivid awareness of my imperfection and my inadequacy. And it is sad that I have often let these failures get the best of me. I have lost count of the number of times I disqualified myself, written myself off, because I didn't feel good enough, wise enough, strong enough... and yes, even moneyed enough. 

Forgetting all along that no one else is. We are all messed up in our own unique ways. We are all broken, blinded and desperately needing some form of escape or redemption. I am happy to say I found a savior in my twenties. Or rather, if only to sound theologically correct, a savior found me. Once when I was confronted and confounded by the depravity of my own fallen nature, someone reached down to me and showed me that I didn't have to live up (or down) to my level. I was loved. I was accepted, just as I was. 

This someone is Jesus. You've probably heard about him and you have your own two or three thoughts about him. But to me, Jesus has been a strong tower in my besieged life. He has been a comfort in a world full of vexations. When I have found myself in the hands of my enemies or succumbing to the angry blows of nature, Jesus has been my salvation and peace. Even when that enemy was me, especially when that enemy was me, Jesus still proved the ever living and never leaving friend. He saved me from myself. 

In my 29 years on earth, I have learnt that life is meaningless without this man, this God, Jesus. It is all vanity. I am aware that many people are turned off by the talk of Jesus. Some of you probably started zoning out the moment he appeared on the horizon of this post. Many of you would prefer if I just talked about life, kept things earthbound, without needing to bring in a possibly mythological being into the mix. We all love a good landlubbing blogpost. But I cannot deny Jesus. The horizontal stuff down here makes no sense without a vertical relationship with Him, a relationship that He procured with His blood. 

Jesus must necessarily be a part of my life. Because he is more than a part, he is the core and center of my life. Why lie, Jesus is my life. And whatever else I live for. Whatever else I want to be in the next five years. Wherever I see myself in the next ten years or thirty, Jesus will be there. He must be there. He is the reason for all my reasons. And I love Him. I live for Him, by Him. I worship Him.

I turned 29 today, and I am grateful to God for another year. I don't really have a big life lesson to land this massive blog post. And that's okay. My life is still continuing. I may even die after hitting "publish" and that's also okay. My life would STILL continue. There'll be more to discover and more to learn tomorrow. I hope I'll be there to learn it and share it.

I pray I will.

For the fame of His name,

Ngare